PRE-INTRO SCENE: CENTRAL PERK
PHOEBE: (ENTERING) Hi guys!
ALL: Hey, Phoebs! Hi!
ROSS: Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it go?
PHOEBE: Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said "We should do this again!"
ALL: Ohh. Ouch.
RACHEL: What? He said, "We should do it again," that's good, right?
MONICA: Uh, no. Loosely translated "We should do this again" means, "You will never see me naked."
RACHEL: Since when?
JOEY: Since always. It's like dating language. You know, like "It's not you," means "It is you."
CHANDLER: Or "You're such a nice guy," means "I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you."
PHOEBE: Or, or, you know, um, "I think we should see other people" means, "Ha, ha, I already am."
RACHEL: And everybody knows this?
JOEY: Oh yeah. Cushions the blow.
CHANDLER: Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm.
ROSS: That's funny, that-- no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm.
MONICA: Uh, Ross.
ROSS: What? Hello? The Millners' farm in Connecticut? The Millners, they had this unbelievable farm, they had horses, and, and rabbits that he could chase and it w-... Oh my God, Chi Chi!
SCENE 1: CHANDLER AND JOEY'S APARTMENT. (JOEY IS REHEARSING A PART; CHANDLER READS THE OTHER PART FROM A SCRIPT)
CHANDLER: "So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?"
JOEY: "Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over. But you'll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die."
CHANDLER: Hey, that was really good!
JOEY: Yeah? Thanks! Let's keep going.
CHANDLER: Okay. "So. Whaddya want from me, Damone, huh?"
JOEY: "I just wanna go back to my cell. Because in my cell, I can smoke."
CHANDLER: "Smoke away."
(JOEY TAKES OUT A PACKET OF CIGARETTES AND A LIGHTER. HE FUMBLES AND DROPS THE LIGHTER. THEN HE LIGHTS A CIGARETTE, TAKES A DRAG AND COUGHS)
CHANDLER: I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone.
CHANDLER: Relax your hand!
(JOEY LETS HIS WRIST GO LIMP)
CHANDLER: Not so much!
CHANDLER: Alright, now try taking a puff.
(JOEY TRIES AND VISIBLY WINCES)
CHANDLER: Alright.. okay. No. Give it to me.
JOEY: No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette.
CHANDLER: It's fine, it's fine. Look, do you wanna get this part, or not? Here.
(JOEY RELUCTANTLY GIVES HIM THE CIGARETTE)
CHANDLER: Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand. When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete.
JOEY: You miss it?
CHANDLER: Nah, not so much. All right, now we smoke. (TAKES A PUFF) Oh my God. (CONTINUES TO SMOKE)
JOEY: Chandler, give me that.
CHANDLER: No no no. You got your options. You can hold it like this...
CHANDLER: Or you could just hold it in your mouth and smoke it like this.
JOEY: Chandler, give me the cigarette. Give me, give me.
CHANDLER: All right. You try it.
JOEY: Thank you. All right, how's this? (JOEY TAKES A PUFF)
CHANDLER: Okay, that's not bad. All right, now, when you're finished, it's really cool if you flick it. You kind of flick it. You flick it-- (JOEY FLICKS THE CIGARETTE TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM) That's good. All right, you keep practicing, and I'll go put out the sofa.
[SCENE 2: CENTRAL PERK (ALL PRESENT EXCEPT RACHEL AND PHOEBE)]
CHANDLER: I thought it had to do with the size of the guy's feet.
MONICA: No, no, no. They say it's the same as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger.
(THE GUYS STRETCH OUT THEIR FINGERS)
JOEY: That's ridiculous!
ROSS: Can I use... either thumb?
CHANDLER: I'd rather go with the foot theory.
RACHEL: (BRINGING DRINKS) Allright, don't tell me, don't tell me! (HANDING THEM OUT) Decaf cappuccino for Joey... Coffee black... Latte... And an iced tea. I'm getting pretty good at this!
ALL: Yeah. Yeah, excellent.
RACHEL: (LEAVING TO SERVE OTHERS) Good for me!
(THE GANG SWAP ROUND ALL THE DRINKS)
(ENTER PHOEBE, MUTTERING. SHE SITS DOWN WITHOUT SAYING HI)
JOEY: Y'okay, Phoebe?
PHOEBE: Yeah- no- I'm just- it's, I haven't worked- It's my bank.
MONICA: What did they do to you?
PHOEBE: It's nothing, it's just- Okay. I'm going through my mail, and I open up their monthly, you know, STATEMENT-
PHOEBE: - and there's five hundred extra dollars in my account.
CHANDLER: Oh, Satan's minions at work again...
PHOEBE: Yes, because now I have to go down there, and deal with them.
JOEY: What are you talking about? Keep it!
PHOEBE: It's not mine, I didn't earn it. If I kept it, it would be like stealing.
RACHEL: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!
PHOEBE: Okay. Okay, let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know what I'd hear with every step I took? "Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine." And even if I was happy, okay, and, and skipping- "Not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine..."
MONICA: We're with you. We got it.
(CHANDLER LEANS OVER THE BACK OF THE COUCH, OUT OF SIGHT)
PHOEBE: Okay. I'd- just- I'd never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this giant karmic debt.
RACHEL: Chandler, what are you doing?
(MONICA PULLS CHANDLER UP)
MONICA: Hey. What are you doing?
(CHANDLER TRIES TO SHRUG NONCHALANTLY BUT EVENTUALLY EXHALES A MOUTHFUL OF SMOKE)
ALL: Oh! Oh, God!
ROSS: What is this?!
CHANDLER: I'm smoking. I'm smoking, I'm smoking.
PHOEBE: Oh, I can't believe you! You've been so good, for three years!
CHANDLER: And this- is my reward!
ROSS: Hold on a second, alright? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit. You know what? Forget about you. Think about what we went through the last time he quit.
CHANDLER: Okay, so this time I won't quit!
ALL: Ohhh! Put it out!
CHANDLER: All right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting it out. (HE DROPS IT IN PHOEBE'S COFFEE)
PHOEBE: Oh, no! I- I can't drink this now!
MONICA: All right. I'm gonna go change, I've got a date.
RACHEL: Is this Alan again? How's it going?
MONICA: It's going pretty good, you know? It's nice, and, we're having fun.
JOEY: So when do we get to meet the guy?
MONICA: Let's see, today's Monday... Never.
ALL: Oh, come on! Come on!
MONICA: No. Not after what happened with Steve.
CHANDLER: What are you talking about? We love Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!.. Sorry.
MONICA: Look, I don't even know how I feel about him yet. Just give me a chance to figure that out.
RACHEL: Well, then can we meet him?
MONICA: Nope. Schhorry.
(JOEY LOOKS AT THE DISTANCE BETWEEN HIS INDEX FINGER AND THUMB AGAIN)
ROSS: Joey, let it go.
[SCENE 3: IRIDIUM (MONICA AND PAULA ARE AT WORK)]
MONICA: I mean, why should I let them meet him? I mean, I bring a guy home, and within five minutes they're all over him. I mean, they're like- coyotes, picking off the weak members of the herd.
PAULA: Listen. As someone who's seen more than her fair share of bad beef, I'll tell you: that is not such a terrible thing. Come on, they're your friends, they're just looking out after you.
MONICA: I know. I just wish that once, I'd bring a guy home that they actually liked.
PAULA: Well, you do realize the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy.
MONICA: So? I don't know. You mind if I whimper a little bit?
(MONICA DOES A FAKE SHORT WHIMPER)
MONICA: Okay, I’m done.
(CUT TO RACHEL & MONICA'S APARTMENT. CHANDLER IS SMOKING ON THE BALCONY, PHOEBE IS ABSENT)
JOEY: Let it go, Ross.
ROSS: Yeah, well, you didn't know Chi Chi.
MONICA: Do you all promise?
ALL: Yeah! We promise! We'll be good!
MONICA: (SHOUTS TO CHANDLER) Chandler? Do you promise to be good?
(CHANDLER MAKES A 'CROSS MY HEART' SIGN. IT STARTS TO RAIN AND CHANDLER TAPS ON THE WINDOW)
JOEY: You can come in, but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside!
(CHANDLER SULKILY PICKS UP A GARBAGE CAN LID AND SHELTERS HIMSELF UNDER IT)
(ENTER PHOEBE. SHE STRIDES TO THE COUCH, SITS DOWN AND BEGINS TO READ WITHOUT SAYING HI)
ROSS: Hey, Pheebs.
PHOEBE: "Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this- (SEARCHES IN HER PURSE) -football phone as our free gift." Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone!
RACHEL: What bank is this?
MONICA: Hey. It's him. (TO INTERCOM) Who is it?
ALAN (INTERCOM): It's Alan.
JOEY: (SHOUTS TO CHANDLER) Chandler! He's here!
(CHANDLER COMES IN, DRIPPING WET)
MONICA: Do I look okay?
ROSS: One more button. (MONICA UNBUTTONS ONE MORE BUTTON) Closed. How about closed?
MONICA: (BUTTONS SHIRT) I didn't know.
MONICA: (TO ALL) Okay, please be good. Remember how much you all like me?
(OPENS THE DOOR- ENTER ALAN)
MONICA: Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan.
ALL: Hi, Alan.
ALAN: I've heard schho much about all you guyschh!
[SCENE 4: RACHEL & MONICA'S (LATER IN THE EVENING)]
MONICA: (AT THE DOOR, TO ALAN, WHO IS LEAVING) Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow. (TO ALL) Okay. Okay, let's let the Alan-bashing begin. Who's gonna take the first shot, hmm? (SILENCE) Come on.
ROSS: I'll go. Let's start with the way he kept picking at- no, I'm sorry, I can't do this, can't do this. We loved him.
ALL: Loved him! Yeah! He's great!
MONICA: Wait a minute! We're talking about someone that I'm going out with?
RACHEL: That mento trick.
CHANDLER: I will never look at an olive the same way again.
RACHEL: And did you notice...? (SPREADS HER THUMB AND INDEX FINGER)
JOEY, CHANDLER, ROSS: (RELUCTANTLY) Yeah.
JOEY: You know what was great? The way his smile was kinda crooked.
PHOEBE: Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe!
ROSS: What shoe?
PHOEBE: From the nursery rhyme. "There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while..."
ROSS: So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured.
RACHEL: What future boyfriends? No no, I th- I think this could be, you know, it.
CHANDLER: Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhoff impression alone. You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right? (DOES A DAVID HASSELHOFF IMPRESSION)
ROSS: You know what I like most about him, though?
ROSS: The way he makes me feel about myself.
[SCENE 5: CENTRAL PERK (MONICA ALONE. ENTER ROSS, RACHEL, CHANDLER & JOEY, DEJECTEDLY, IN SOFTBALL GEAR)]
MONICA: Hi. How was the game?
ALL: We won! Thank you! Yes!
MONICA: Fantastic! I have one question: How is that possible?
ROSS: He was unbelievable. He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions, right? But instead of Bugs it was first base-Alan, second base-Alan, third base-...
RACHEL: I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into a team.
CHANDLER: Yep, we sure showed those Hasidic jewelers a thing or two about softball.
MONICA: Can I ask you guys a question? Do you ever think that Alan is maybe... sometimes...
MONICA: I don't know, a little too Alan?
RACHEL: Well, no. That's impossible. You can never be too Alan.
ROSS: Yeah, it's his, uh, innate Alan-ness that-that-that we adore.
CHANDLER: I personally could have a gallon of Alan.
(CUT TO A STREET WHERE LIZZIE IS RESTING. PHOEBE WALKS UP TO HER)
PHOEBE: Hey, Lizzie.
LIZZIE: Hey, Weird Girl.
PHOEBE: I brought you alphabet soup.
LIZZIE: Did you pick out the vowels?
PHOEBE: Yes. But I left in the Y's. Because, you know, "sometimes y". Uh, I also have something else for you. (SEARCHES IN HER PURSE)
PHOEBE: No, but would you like a thousand dollars and a football phone?
LIZZIE: What? (OPENS THE ENVELOPE PHOEBE GAVE HER) Oh my God, there's really money in here.
PHOEBE: I know.
LIZZIE: Weird Girl, what are you doing?
PHOEBE: No, I want you to have it. I don't want it.
LIZZIE: No, no, I ha- I have to give you something.
PHOEBE: Oh, that's fine, no.
LIZZIE: Would you like my tin-foil hat?
PHOEBE: No. Cause you need that. No, it's okay, thanks.
LIZZIE: Please, let me do something.
PHOEBE: Okay, alright, you buy me a soda, and then we're even. Okay?
(CUT TO CHANDLER'S OFFICE BLOCK)
(CHANDLER LOOKS AROUND, THEN OPENS HIS DESK DRAWER AND TAKES A PUFF OF A CIGARETTE. THEN HE SPRAYS AROUND SOME AIR FRESHENER AND TAKES SOME BREATH SPRAY. HE TYPES FOR A MOMENT. THEN HE OPENS THE DRAWER AGAIN AND TAKES ANOTHER PUFF. NOT PAYING ATTENTION, HE SPRAYS THE BREATH SPRAY AROUND THE ROOM, TAKES A SQUIRT OF AIR FRESHENER AND GAGS)
(CUT TO PHOEBE AND LIZZIE AT A SODA STAND)
LIZZIE: Keep the change. (TO PHOEBE) Sure you don't wanna pretzel?
PHOEBE: No, I'm fine.
LIZZIE: (LEAVING) See ya.
(PHOEBE OPENS THE CAN AND REACTS)
(CUT TO CENTRAL PERK)
ROSS: A thumb?!
PHOEBE: I know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker!
CHANDLER: Well, maybe it's a contest, you know? Like, collect all five?
PHOEBE: Does, um, anyone wanna see?
(CHANDLER LIGHTS A CIGARETTE)
ALL: Oh, hey, don't do that! Cut it out!
RACHEL: It's worse than the thumb!
CHANDLER: Hey, this is so unfair!
MONICA: Oh, why is it unfair?
CHANDLER: So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? And Ross, with his over-pronouncing every single word? And Monica, with that snort when she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that thing? ...I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me for this?
JOEY: ...Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody?
RACHEL: Well, I- I could live without it.
JOEY: Well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair?
(PHOEBE SPITS OUT HER HAIR)
ROSS: Oh, now, don't listen to him, Phoebs, I think it's endearing.
JOEY: Oh, (IMITATING ROSS) "you do, do you"?
(MONICA LAUGHS AND SNORTS)
ROSS: You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly.
RACHEL: "Indeed there isn't"... I should really get back to work.
PHOEBE: Yeah, because otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered.
RACHEL: Ohh-ho-ho. The hair comes out, and the gloves come on.
(THEY DEGENERATE INTO BICKERING AND CHANDLER HAPPILY STARTS TO SMOKE, UNDISTURBED.)
[SCENE 6: IRIDIUM (AGAIN, MONICA AND PAULA AT WORK)]
MONICA: Did you ever go out with a guy your friends all really like?
MONICA: Okay... Well, I'm going out with a guy my friends all really like.
PAULA: W-wait.. we talking about the coyotes here? All right, a cow got through!
MONICA: Can you believe it? ...You know what? I just don't feel the thing. I mean, they feel the thing, I don't feel the thing.
PAULA: Honey... you should always feel the thing. Listen, if that's how you feel about the guy, Monica, dump him!
MONICA: I know.. it's gonna be really hard.
PAULA: Well, he's a big boy, he'll get over it.
MONICA: No, he'll be fine. It's the other five I'm worried about.
(CUT TO CENTRAL PERK, WHERE JOEY AND ROSS ARE PERSECUTING CHANDLER)
JOEY: Do you have any respect for your body?
ROSS: Don't you realize what you're-- you're doing to yourself?
CHANDLER: Hey, you know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it.
RACHEL: (WITH PHONE) Chandler? It's Alan, he wants to speak to you.
CHANDLER: Really? He does? (TAKES PHONE) Hey, buddy, what's up? Oh, she told you about that, huh. Well, yeah, I have one now and then. Well, yeah, now. Well, it's not that big- ...well, that's true,.. Gee, you know, no-one- no-one's ever put it like that before. Well, okay, thanks! (HANDS BACK THE PHONE AND STUBS OUT HIS CIGARETTE)
RACHEL: (TO ROSS, WHO HAS WANDERED UP) God, he's good.
ROSS: If only he were a woman.
(THEY GIVE EACH OTHER A DUBIOUS LOOK)
(CUT TO THE GANG MINUS MONICA AND JOEY WATCHING LAMBCHOP AT RACHEL+ MONICA'S)
CHANDLER: Ooh, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock on my hand for thirty years it'd be talking, too.
ROSS: Okay. I think it's time to change somebody's nicotine patch. (DOES SO)
MONICA: Hey. Where's Joey?
CHANDLER: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?
RACHEL: I think he's across the hall.
MONICA: Thanks. (GOES TO FETCH HIM)
ROSS: (FINISHES CHANGING CHANDLER'S NICOTINE PATCH) There y'go.
CHANDLER: (DEADPAN) Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now.
ROSS: Hey Phoebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart?.. Phoebs?
PHOEBE: Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart?
ROSS: Hey, I might!
PHOEBE: Sorry. You know, those stupid soda people gave me seven thousand dollars for the thumb.
ALL: You're kidding. Oh my God.
PHOEBE: And on my way over here, I stepped in gum... What is up with the universe?!
JOEY: (DRAGGED IN BY MONICA. HE HAS JUST COME OUT OF THE SHOWER) What's going on?
MONICA: Nothing. I just think it's nice when we're all here together.
JOEY: It's even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear... (SITS DOWN)
RACHEL: Uh, Joey..
JOEY: Oh, God! (HURRIEDLY CLOSES HIS KNEES)
MONICA: (TURNS OFF TV) Okay..
ALL: Oh! That was Lambchop!
MONICA: Please, guys, we have to talk.
PHOEBE: Wait, wait, I'm getting a deja vu... no, I'm not.
MONICA: All right, we have to talk.
PHOEBE: There it is!
MONICA: Okay. It's- it's about Alan.
RACHEL: Oh, speaking of which, can you tell him that we're on for the Renaissance Fair next weekend?
Everybody: Oh yeah!
Monica: Guys, before you get into that, there's something that you should know. I mean, there's really no easy way to say this... uh, I've decided to break up with Alan.
(THEY ALL GASP AND CLUTCH EACH OTHER)
ROSS: Is there somebody else?
MONICA: No, no no no... it's just.., things change. People change.
RACHEL: We didn't change...
JOEY: So that's it? It's over? Just like that?
PHOEBE: You know, you let your guard down, you start to really care about someone, and I just- I- (CHEWS HER HAIR)
MONICA: Look, I- I could go on pretending-
MONICA: No-- that wouldn't be fair to me, it wouldn't be fair to Alan-- It wouldn't be fair to you!
ROSS: Who-- who wants fair? You know, I just want things back. You know, the way they were.
MONICA: I'm sorry...
CHANDLER: (SARCASTIC) Oh, she's sorry! I feel better!
RACHEL: (TEARFUL) I just can't believe this! I mean, with the holidays coming up, I wanted him to meet my family--
MONICA: I'll meet someone else. There'll be other Alans.
ALL: Oh, yeah! Right!
MONICA: Are you guys gonna be okay?
ROSS: Hey hey, we'll be fine. We're just gonna need a little time.
MONICA: (DUBIOUS) I understand.
(CUT TO MONICA TELLING ALAN IN A RESTAURANT)
MONICA: I'm, really sorry.
ALAN: Yeah, I'm sorry too. But, I gotta tell you, I am a little relieved.
ALAN: Yeah, well, I had a great time with you... I just can't stand your friends.
[CREDITS SCENE: RACHEL + MONICA'S (THE GANG ARE MOPING AROUND, EATING ICE CREAM)]
RACHEL: Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats...? That was fun.
ROSS: Yeah. He could row like a viking.
ROSS: So how'd it go?
MONICA: Oh, you know...
PHOEBE: Did he mention us?
MONICA: He says he's really gonna miss you guys. (DUBIOUS LOOK)
ROSS: You had a rough day, huh...
MONICA: You have no idea.
ROSS: Come here. (SHE SITS DOWN AND ROSS STROKES HER FOREHEAD)
CHANDLER: ...That's it. I'm getting cigarettes.
ALL: No no no!
CHANDLER: (LEAVING) I don't care, I don't care! Game's over! I'm weak! I've gotta smoke! I've gotta have the smoke!
PHOEBE: (SHOUTS AS HE LEAVES) If you never smoke again I'll give you seven thousand dollars!
CHANDLER: (RE-ENTERING) Yeah, all right.