Tig Notaro - Taylor Dayne (Ft. Tig Notaro)

I was, I was at this party with a friend of mine, Pam. And, we were going to leave the party and she said to me “Do you know who that was standing by the door” and I said “No,” She said “That was Taylor Dayne” and I was like “Oh my god, I love Taylor Dayne” do you guys know who Taylor Dayne is? Yeah she’s-- no, you’re shaking your head no? She was a pop singer in the 80’s. She sung “Love will lead you back.” She sang “Tell it to my heart”. Now you’re nodding your head. I’ll sing it, I’ll sing it for you. I know, I just said I was going to sign it. In fact, that was my idea. And at this point, all you’re doing is holding up the process. Because I’m like “I’m going to sing it” and your “Sing it” and I’m like yeah I know I said I was going to sing it. So if you don’t mind I’m going to sing it.

Does that sound familiar? Anyway, I love Taylor Dayne, and not ironically. I love her. So I went back into the party and I went up to her and I said “Excuse me, I’m sorry to bother you, but I just have to tell you I love your voice” and she just turned and said “Yeah I don’t do that anymore,” And I looked over, and this other friend of mine was doubled over laughing at me. Yeah you just got dissed by Taylor Dayne” it felt horrible and I left the party.

And then like nine months passed. And I happened to be out to eat with that same friend Pam. And there was a party of ten seated behind us. You guys are not going to believe who was sitting there. Yeah, it was Taylor Dayne. Pam said “oh my gosh, you have to say something to her” And I said no question. Because I still love Taylor Dayne. But I didn’t know what to say to her, and then I realized the best thing I could say to Taylor Dayne, is the exact same sentence that I said the first time. So I turned around and I interrupted her entire dinner and said “Excuse me, I’m sorry to bother you, but I just have to tell you I love your voice” And she said “My speaking voice?” and I said “Yes. I was sitting here with my friend, I heard someone talking and I need to turn around and compliment them on their speaking voice” and what I didn’t realize at the time was that Taylor Dayne was no longer pursuing a singing career, she was pursuing an acting career. Which I guess is why she is no longer accepting compliments, on her singing voice. And then about a year has passed. And by this point, I have told all of my friends about my run-ins with Taylor Dayne. And how she is the easiest person to run into.

So I was at my writing partner’s Kyle house. And my phone rang, it was Sarah Silverman. And at the time Sarah was dating Jimmy Kimmel. Guess who is promoting a CD on Jimmy’s show tomorrow night. You guys will not believe who it was. Yeah. It was Taylor Dayne. So Sarah called. She said “I want you to come down to Jimmy’s show, and I want you to say those exact same words you said the other times” and I said “No question” but I didn’t end up having to go Jimmy show because that same day, don’t shake your head at me.

Kyle and I took a lunch break. We ordered lunch to be picked up. We walked across the street. To the strip mall, where the restaurant was. Kyle was walking in front of me, I was walking behind him. He walked up to the restaurant, he opened the door, he looked at this table, he looked back at me and he looked back at the table. And I was like “Yeah yeah yeah, of course, she’s here” then Kyle and I walked over to the counter where our food would be waiting for us, and Kyle was just pacing back and forth. About to have a stroke. And I was like what is your problem. And he said “Nothing, I’m just really uncomfortable right now” and he said “because I know what’s about to happen” and I said “yeah, and I can’t wait to do it” I said “this has nothing to do with you, this is between me, and Taylor Dayne, but what I do need you to do, is when I go up to her lunch table I want you to take my cell phone and point it the general vicinity. ANd film me talking to Taylor Dayne, so I finally have proof” and he goes,''Okay `` so I walk up to Taylor Dayne’s lunch table and I say “Excuse me, I’m sorry to bother you, but I just have to tell you I love your voice” and says “Thank you” and I was like, well that weird. But the best part was when Kyle and I went back and looked at the video footage, you didn’t hear me talking to Taylor Dayne. You just saw me go.

And over that footage, you hear Kyle, in an imaginary conversation going “Oh, hey. Hey man, what’s going on. I’m having lunch. At the chicken cafe. At the pizza cafe. At the California chicken pizza kitchen chicken kitchen cafe” so the person that Kyle made up in that conversation is the world’s most difficult human being who will not let the easy stuff slide. The person on the other side of that conversation is going “Whoa, whoa, whoa back up dude. Where are you having lunch? At the chicken what cafe? I have never heard of that place. This conversation is going no further until you make it clear to me where exactly you having lunch right now. Kyle could have made up anyone he wanted to. He could have made up a nice friend. He didn’t actually have to be saying anything at all. He could have just been standing there.
I actually feel confident, that I am the reason that Taylor Dayne put out another record. Cause you know she called her manager like “my fans miss me. They love me. I mean sure, they’re a bunch of he-she looking robots. Excuse me. I’m sorry to bother you. But I just have to tell you I love your voice. Excuse me. I’m sorry to bother you. But I just have to tell you I love your voice. Excuse me. I’m sorry to bother you. But I just have to tell you I love you voice.” and people are always like, there is no way that story is true. And it’s like, why would I make up a 14-minute story about a pop singer that nobodies heard of. And just as a side note, I left out other times I ran into Taylor Dayne. And that Sarah has. I mean that story used to be 20 minutes long. Just because she and I keep running into Taylor Dayne.