Creativity as hostage negotiations
Depression
Obsessional desire and faith
Why is creativity a hostage negotiation with depression?
And who are the negotiators ?
Desire and enthusiasm ?
It’s a tug of war between desire and enthusiasm versus depression and self doubt
That’s the dance of creativity
For me a creative session
Or creative work
Can sometimes look like this
Just me on the couch scrolling my phone
That’s what you would see from the outside looking in
But what’s actually happening
Is a hostage negotiation
Or a world wrestling championship between
Depression and fear
Versus desire and enthusiasm
Team desire
Will win a round
I’ll make it off the couch
Sit in front of my computer
Program a beat
Strum a guitar
Edit a video
Dial in a mix
Or whatever creative task
That desire has in his sight lines
Often team fear will fight back hard
Distractions will call
And after 15 or 20 minutes
Back to the couch I wlli go
This back and forth happens frequently on the onset of a day when I’m forging ahead but struggling to do so
I’ve learned not to judge days like this
Because it’s in the judgement that team fear takes further ground
And after a few back and forths like this
Something happens whereby I can make Long stretches of time working and often significant things get done
What I’m trying to illustrate
Is that the creative process or creative work
For me anyway
Isnt always pretty
And sometimes from the outside it could appear that I’m wasting time
But I’m in a negotiation
And if I judge myself harshly in those moments
I’m only giving fuel to the side I’m rooting against
That’s the micro view
Of the hostage negotiation that is a creative life
The macro view
Is a wider timeline
A project
A collaboration
A body of work
The fulfillment of which
Won’t be pretty and polite
More like a bloodbath in a junkyard
I think we have ideals about how it should look
And how we should be
And the moment
Reality let’s down our ideals
The moment reality stops looking like perfection or chants of congratulations from the loving masses
Is a dangerous moment for the life of a project and creative vision indeed
Or any relationship any
Or anything that requires the grit of reality to see it through
But with a creative endeavor
It’s our own personal failings
And problematic self esteems that we are forced to confront
And finally move beyond
And to carry on inspite of the battle we just lost
It may look like I’m on the couch scrolling my phone
But I’m actually on a warhorse
Reaching for my sword.
Don’t give up
Just Casue it’s all gone horrifically off the rails
Believe me
That’s actually a good sign
Ever delivered a baby?
It’s miraculous
But it ain’t pretty
Keep swinging
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