Bill Hicks - Drunk Driving

I was a pathetic drunk, man. I'd get pulled over by the cops. I'd be so drunk, I'd be out dancing to their lights thinking I'd made it to another club. Does not look good on the arrest report. You ask a state trooper to do-si-do, they tend to remember you.

As opposed to ten years ago. You remember ten years ago? The attitude? You got pulled over and you were drinking? Cop comes up to your car. "Son, you been drinking?" "Uh, yeah." "Whoop! Sorry to bother ya. Hope I didn't bring your buzz down any. Uh, didn't know y'all were partying. Didn't mean to startlе ya. Alrighty! Sure, I'll dance." A little morе easygoing, right? Ten years ago? Yeah, it was.

Now, if you get pulled over and you've been drinking, that's the end of the fucking chase. There could be bank robberies happening around you. Kidnappings, terrorist activities, fuck it. Every cop car in the county pulls up... to watch you audition for your freedom. Oh yeah, that's their favorite show at night. They all get out with their coffee, they put you in the headlights of their car... and you're on!

"Thank you. It's great to be here at the overpass. Boy, it looks like we got quite a turnout here tonight. Lieutenant, how are ya? Good to see you again. Apparently a season ticket holder to our little weekend show." And they put you through that field sobriety test which is very deceiving. I don't know if you've ever been through this. It's very deceiving. Field sobriety test, 'cause it's very easy at first. First thing they told me is walk a straight line. "Son, you wanna come back?" *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* "Come on, Lieutenant. We do that joke every weekend! God damn it, that almost hit me! I'm coming back, I'm coming back. I'm coming!" "Touch your nose." "This is the easiest test I've ever taken! I'll touch my nose and walk a straight line! Get some extra credit on this motherfucker."

Yeah, then comes the kicker. "Say the alphabet... backwards." "*sigh* You got me. I'm not even drunk. I'm obviously too stupid to be driving, god damn it!" Where the fuck did that one come from? We just changed gears on that test! "Touch your cheek! Touch your hair! Do calculus!" I was doing so fucking GOOD! 'Say the alphabet back...' What does that have to do with sobriety? You know what I mean? I couldn't say it... you know, I couldn't read it backwards. I'm so... so used to that song. It's like you've been practicing your whole life to fail the drug test. "Z, Y, Z, Y, Z, Y, fuck it. A B C D E F G... I'm a moron. Get me off the road."

What does saying the alphabet backwards have to do with sobriety, man? I think they're making this shit up as they go. You're drunk, they're bored. They could say anything, you know? "Touch your nose! Walk a straight line! Hell, son, do a flip!" *whoosh, boom* "Pretty good, pretty good. Come here. Stick your dick in our exhaust pipe." "I've never heard of this one. Ah, shit, they are policemen. They know what they're doing. Ah, damn, that's hot." "Shut up or we're getting out that alphabet deal." "Well, fuck it. I'm sober now. We should've done this back at the bar. Damn, now, how long they've been chasing us?" They're making this shit up! And they pop you anyways. No matter what you do in that test if they feel like it. So I say forget it. 'Touch your nose. Walk a straight line.' "Ah, screw it, I'm drunk. I might puke if I start moving around a lot. How about this, officer? How about you carry me to the back of your car? Think I'll start my 18-hour nap right now, buddy. You ever seen vomit go through that mesh screen between the front and back seats? Oh yeah, you're gonna rue the day you pulled me in, pal. I've been eating bar olives for three days now. Yes sir, you caught me! I'm drunk! *mimics vomiting* Ooh... Man, you got me out of my car and into yours just in time, officer. I'm gonna be out of jail tomorrow. You're gonna be smelling this shit for weeks, buddy. Boy, hope I was worth it. *mimics vomiting* Ugh, sorry. Z, Y, fuck it. You got me, dude. *mimics vomiting* Z, Y- *mimics vomiting* X! *mimics vomiting* Boy, you better get me off the road 'fore I fill this fucker up and we both drown, buddy. *mimics vomiting*"
I don't recommend doing this. But it is a semi-true story. Well, there are such things as cops. That much is true.